This is on you

It’s surprisingly hard to realize that not everything that happens to me it’s my fault. Not every bad or good thing is a consequence of my personality, work or unconscious action.

Although I still believe things have an explanation, and most things that happen to anyone can only happen to that person. I’ve had to face the fact that some people just act out because of them, the only reason their tantrums are about me is that I was near.

I used to blame myself for being close to these people in the first place, I thought the unhealthy friendships I grew up with made me someone who unconsciously craved egomaniacs by my side and that this drew me to you, and yes, I wanted your narcissism to make me feel inferior. What I now have trouble accepting is that I didn’t inadvertently choose to make your lies part of my life, I genuinely didn’t see them, not at first, and when I noticed them I never thought they could affect me.

So, yes, I was stupid or naïve, but no, I wasn’t self-sabotaging, not to that extent. I’m fucking tired of looking for a reason, of diving into my past searching for the trauma that caused me to want this situation because: Surprise! There’s none.

This is on you.